Design Spencer’s headstone– I want it to be absolutely perfect.Take my first solo trip (I am debating on going to New Zealand or possibly Germany).Maintain consistency with healthy habits (eating right, exercise, mental health etc.).Clean up the house and have it on the market by July.Liquidate all of the inventory for Burst of Lilac.(Spencer originally signed up and I asked if I could run in his place… wish me luck!) Train for and complete the Spartan Race.Hike Angels Landing (I am terrified of heights, but I know this will be a huge accomplishment on my trip to Zion this weekend).I am wanting to become more empowered and independent and I know hitting these goals will help me become that person. But I must go on and I want to make him so proud.Įven though it is hard to focus on long term when I am hardly functioning day to day, I still want to hold myself accountable and work towards accomplishing goals I have set. Knowing that one day I will no longer look like the same person in our photos kills me. Now things are really starting to settle in that Spencer is gone and I have to go one without him here. Honestly, the grief is just as painful as it was the first week. Right now it has been a little over a month and some how I have managed to make it this far. With this first entry I primarily want to focus on where I am currently at and set goals for myself. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I have never felt this low in my entire life and I want nothing more to be with Spencer again but I know there is more to this life. The support I have received is honestly what has helped me keep going. Since this has happened, I have connected with old friends and even made new friendships. I have no words to describe how thankful I am for all of the wonderful people in my life. The support I have received since this has happened has been unreal. It is waking up to a reality that is equivalent to the never ending nightmare that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. Every day you wake up, you are reminded that your loved one is no longer around. I have endured many trials through my life but nothing even compares to the pain I have experienced from this loss. Let me tell you, losing him has been the absolute worst thing that has ever happened in my life. This is because my best friend in the entire world and my sweet loving husband Spencer Johnson committed suicide. What used to be my “normal” has now become a memory. Well you know what? We only have one life and it is not fucking promised.Īs I mentioned before, I started this blog as a release for my emotions. The society we live in now is fucked and everyone is to involved in caring what others think about them. I know I have been guilty of doing the same damn thing. This is why everyone has an issue with comparing their life to someone else’s life. What we see on social media is just what everyone wants you to see. Because let’s be honest, life sucks majority of the time.